


The Tribulations of Shaggy 2 Dope

by snugglepup



Series: together we'll ring in the new year [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Fic, Gen, Irony, Magnum Opus, Post-Irony, Story within a Story, by Dave Strider, space epic, the greatest novel ever written by a strider so basically the greatest novel ever like period, this is totally going to outsell the complacency of the learned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-02-22 16:54:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2514947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snugglepup/pseuds/snugglepup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"girl you have got no idea what im gonna to those bastards" shaggy said with knowledge of his inevitable success "those draculas are gonna rue the day they killed your whole family with a shotgun"</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>What if Dave Strider wrote a novel?<br/>(It's not even slightly necessary to read the main fic in this 'verse. This is a side-fic that is basically the main fic's SBAHJ)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Excerpt from Chapter 17, Pages 21-22

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Psythe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psythe/gifts), [this one goes out to you man](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=this+one+goes+out+to+you+man), [i will not apologize for art](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=i+will+not+apologize+for+art).



> Welp. This sure happened.

_"aw sumbitch" shaggy swagged at no one in particular "is there even one dive bar on this rock aint full of fuckin wizards like wavin your staves and shit around and pretendin you can speak latin"_

_just then the wizard with the most ginormous-ass beard tapped his wand against the swastika tattooed onto his forehead but shaggyd seen that trick more often than hed seen half naked babes turn into seven headed manticores and when the aryan laser busted out like a runaway nazi jizz train he split it in half and then also split the wizard in half_

_"who wants to try me next" he said with great understanding of his position in the universes food chain as the halves of the temporally displaced klanspooge supersoaker shot blew out the front wall of the bar "five dollar special at any dennys on mars for a limited time only gonna pass up on a deal like that you dont know what youre missin"_

_as the other wizards ran from the bar shaggy let darth shadowfucker slide back into her fuligin sheath with a whisper like if you opened a door but there wasnt a person there or even a closet full of puppets but like a giant eye that was whispering in the babylonian mother tongue and you closed the door and opened it again and then a bunch of puppets just fucking fell out all over you that time_

_"you get back to the tower of milkrod and you tell your boss shaggys back in town" shaggy said, he didnt yell because that was the kind of hero he was but he raised his voice like just a little bit like an older brother whos sort of pissed at you but not that pissed at least not yet_

_"you tell him im comin for him and all of his foxhitlers and just like last time im 2 dope to handle" he turned to the bartender with apology (the bartender was this kind of hot chick in that way that people call slutty but if youre paying attention its more like classy lewdness although shaggy wasnt really sure how classy the extra boob on her forehead was, he always forgot about martians and all the things he hated about them because anti-martianism is a major character flaw thats still not really any better at this point in that subplot) "sorry bout the joint babe" to accentuate the point he lit up a joint and tossed it onto the bar "no cash on me good luck with havin a future or whatever"_


	2. Excerpt from Chapter 6, Pages 14-16

_"girl you have got no idea what im gonna do to those bastards" shaggy said with knowledge of his inevitable success "those draculas are gonna rue the day they killed your whole family with a shotgun"_

_the girl nodded because she could see shaggy and seeing shaggy meant understanding he was basically the raddest and most competent ninja cybersamurai in the solar system i mean look at that motherfucker dudes got unhackable cyborg eyes and ninja techniques passed down through the armstrong family for generations fuck i mean the 2 dope family anyway this was obviously a dude who got what he wanted and what he wanted right then was to kill some draculas and then probably bang this chick like if she wanted to but like bang her with his penis and not a shotgun the way the rest of her family got banged_

_shaggy turned on his laser jetpack and flew up really high like he basically set a cloud on fire because he was just that awesome and then he turned up his hearing powers super high (he had to be in the sky to do that so all the noises werent too loud and annoying)_

_while he was listening for the draculas shaggy thought about the girl it was a real fuckin shame about her family hed seen like so many familys ruined by draculas at this point that he was surprised every time he met a hot chick who wasnt recently orphaned which was pretty depressing but that was just what life is like in the 29th century you know there are draculas and swampmans and rampaging foxhitlers all over the place its kill or be killed like the whole world was battle royale except not like that it just had a lot of killing in it which is why i made that metaphor or maybe analogy i dont know if you dont know the difference either go talk to my sister and shell set you straight unless youre gay like her then shed probably set you gay or something i dont know nobody sue me ok_

_and then there was a sound of thunder far away and also way the fuck down below so shaggy nodded slowly to himself with comprehension of where the draculas were it wasnt that hard since they always had really loud shotguns then shaggy changed some shit on his plasma rocket booster or whatever and shot through the sky following bullets coming out of barrels because of really small but strong explosions (thats how guns work no need to thank me consider that one a freebie)_

_"damn" shaggy thought when he landed in a farms barn "its worse than i thought" the draculas had eaten all the cows with their shotguns already but he could still hear the gunshots which were just normal volume because he was smart so he turned his hearing back to just a lot better than normal instead of cyberninja samurai level great but anyway if they were still shooting then there was still blood to shoot out which meant probably not everybody was dead yet_

_shaggy diverolled out of the burning barn in case diverolling turned out to be a good idea it was actually not important but that was okay sometimes you have to understand that there is a time in every persons life when its smarter to diveroll out of barns that are on fire than just walk out its also a good idea if there are draculas around because time goes slow when youre diverolling and that makes it easier to block shotguns with your awesome sword_

_the nearest dracula let some guy he hadnt shot yet drop to the ground and the guy ran off screaming the dracula looked the opposite of happy or wait no thats sad what the fuck okay theres like at least two opposites of happy and this one the dracula had on his face was the angry opposite not the sad one because he was mad that somebody was diverolling nearby_

_"what are you here doing stranger who looks like a technoswordlord" the dracula said while other draculas came out of some kind of house with a lot of shotgun holes in it_

_"the names shaggy" shaggy said shaggily "im here to kill draculas and eat a balanced breakfast and im all out of space eggs which are totally better over easy than scrambled so fuck you jake you have shitty taste in eggs and everybody knows it"_

_"ha ha ha you cant kill a dracula without space powers" the draculas laughed and then stopped laughing when the killmaster drew darth shadowfucker and let her darkshine in the earthlight so shaggy smirked while the draculas realized the katana had space runes_

_"space powers like these" he said like a total badass and the draculas didnt run but at least two of them started crying gun oil_

_"you drank the wrong hot chicks familys blood with those shotguns" shaggy glaresaid full of rageful anger "and now im gonna show you why they all say im 2 dope to handle"_


	3. Excerpt from Chapter 12, Pages 0-א

_the heliclopter tried to resist shaggys clever trap but its half horse mind was batshit for fuckin carrots and before he knew it the bladeduke had a hostage and he was gonna turn that shit right back around on these fucking wolfmen_

_"i got your sorta mechanical sorta gross friend right here" shaggy sneerspoke at the leader of the wolfmans, jorgly horkans and jorgly made wolf noises but nobody gave a shit it was pretty addictive being the one with a hostage for once shaggy noticed he tried to make a brain note about keepin extra careful not to accidentally become a crime villain and rule the galaxy with jon arbuckle type surprise appearance and tropelike rise to glorious power but then he didnt make a note because there isnt any paper in somebodys fucking brain why are you even reading this if you cant figure that out_

_who says FUCK "who says we care about the clopelhopter magic man" jorgly wolfed out but shaggy already had all the time he needed so he cut the wolfman leader in half with a spare sword he threw really fast and super well it was basically total bullshit that i just pulled out of my ass but you dont care do you no you dont you dont care because this is too amazing_

_look at least my shit isnt drownin in PURPLE PROSE hint fuckin hint also this is still better than anything by brandon sanderson novel somethin_

_im talkin to you, jake_

_jesus_

_but the truth was for the first time in 700 cyber years which is less in person years but its still a lot okay but yeah this was bad news for shaggy cause now that jorkolo was down all the other wolfmans were runnin at him or like is it loping i dont know how wolfs work wait i have to make a phone call okay back i guess loping is a decent word im trusting you on this and i heard what you were sayin about usin up taxpayer money to call space stations holy shit everybodys a goddamn critic today like come on anyway the wolfmens loped like crazy and shaggys back was still up against the falling area of reichenbach falls he knew he was gonna take most of em down with him but he might like fall and skin his left knee thats thats the one that isnt cybermagic and he hated that shit so it was a pretty dire situation yeah i learned what dire means i know you read this shit somehow you creepy frigid premature grandma_

_if i wake up tomorrow night with like a pointy flower sittin on my manuscript i am gonna call big sis (see that its called not name droppin real people in novels maybe you could learn a thing or two) and make you let me beta read your shit for all time so think it over equally aged sibling who is absolutely not named blose grolawnte_

_shaggy threw the neightwirler off the roof or was it like a waterfall i already forgot its fine so he dropped it down the mine shaft because he didnt care and then just as the wolfheads were starting to get their wordblood sprayed all over the place and shaggy almost got scratched a little bit once, the phenomnon happened occuringly again at just the right time to make shit be super easy instead of just kinda easy_

_"the ghost of quantum superextranet how can this be" a wolferface shockmumbled in stunnedness but it was too late because the worlds deadliest html 6.0 deathqueen was on the scene god fucking dammit shouldve said deathqueen was on the deathscene anyway at that point it was pretty much over cause for every toothface shaggy cut into a billion pieces like were talking tsukihime shit what you dont know what that is guess you dont appreciate vintage animes you piece of shit for every seventeenxtuple piece corpse there was another one that got a fist full of darkpunching and turned into dead mistblood_

_" runefist killpuncher" shaggy ejaculated believingly and wondering what the mysterious sist uh woman wanted to get from the man everybody wanted to get stuff from all the time_

_"thoguht u were 2 dope 2 handel" runefist smirkheckled and gave shaggy an unavoidable fistbump that he technically survived even though it took his spacebody two entire minutes to regenerate his arm and the right side of his torso and then the binary empress disappeared into the shadows_

_fuckin green rangers shaggy thought with his brain and then he teleported back to the dark side of the moon_

 

 

_oh my god how am i supposed to know html is for scrubs all my websites are shitty on purpose and that was just rude now my roommates gonna think i did that_

_actually that works out great never mind thanks big sis_


End file.
